She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
