had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
