So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
