There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
