Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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