After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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