yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
