she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
