my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
