thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
