Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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