He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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