She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
