You just made me feel so damn special
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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