I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
