low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Drunk is not a location!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
