I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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