After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
