Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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