Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
