Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
