After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Rumble strips road head = magical
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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