I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
