I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
