I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
