you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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