Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
