He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
