I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Do you remember whose house we're in?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
