nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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