At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
