does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
