why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
