she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
