White coat. Heels.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
