When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
pop tarts are not kleenex
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
