I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
