If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
