I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
