we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
