I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
