I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
