Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
