I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
