Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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