Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
