shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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