I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
