I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
