So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
