I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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