just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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