I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
